him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.