Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I pray every night that I never become religious…
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog