Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.