COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
You Might Also Like
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..