I can’t wait!
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Succinctly put.