If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Spotted in New Orleans.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
It do be feeling this way.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop