I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.