What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.