Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.