How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Art by Pastelkatto
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.