I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
DOOO EEEET
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.