I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it