Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business