Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.