ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
our love story in four pictures
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.