him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
peak technology
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator