LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Anime is real
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent