Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
You Might Also Like
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Mornin
This will never not be funny to me.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?