I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.