Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Now wait a minute- 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It鈥檚 Friday the 13th?
wife: that鈥檚 a turtle with our daughter鈥檚 face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
baby cows are called calves bc it鈥檚 half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.