‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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Muppet Screams
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
a badder mouse
Not my job 😂
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Rather alarming headline…
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”