FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My biological clock is wheezing.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.