You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
.. do you even science?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now