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Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I cannot stop laughing at this
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.