Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
🙂🐾
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?