With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?