ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Double negatives are never not confusing.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
sleeping beauty
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.