I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Tier 3 meme
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
just pretend nothing happened
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack