Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Now, where’s the sport in that?