what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
This kinda thing happens to me often
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny