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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
he looks great for his age
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far