0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
thinking about a very short hotdog
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Stop being racist to kettles.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff