“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??