Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
LOOOOOOL
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.