Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane