[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.