No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.