cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.