gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?