Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’m about to risk it all
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.