WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
This was my dad’s browser history.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
The point of your 20s