Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
You Might Also Like
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?