Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
prepare for carbonated trouble
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.