This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Twitter fine art
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.