Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
There is no “we” in pizza
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?