[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
the composer
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.