Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.