After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
This kid will have a bright future.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?