If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*