The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it